20/3/14

Sarcasm at it's very finest is portrayed in today's post... Let's use my amazing list-making skills and gloss over what has happened and what you're about to read  (..then you can decide if you just wanna read the list or the actual post. Convenient). 1. Monday bought a brand new breakdown that went entirely unnoticed. 2. My uncle died and we all pretended everything was okay. (a fine art we have perfected in this house) 3. They're going to the funeral. I am not invited. 4. In relation to #3; she's leaving on mothers day and therefore leaving me here. By myself. 5. There is no #5 (...I have this thing about numbers. It would probably take another 10 blog posts to explain it. But there has to be a 5, basically)
It takes me a while to process things and I don't fully process anything that's happened until a time has come where I can just sit, thinking freely. Considering I barely leave the house, have no job, friends or career you'd think that was simple. But there's a storm in my head. And you have to wait for it to pass before you dare tempting fate. Do you really wanna step out just to be struck by lightning? You don't. I hear it hurts.
I don't have the clearest of minds. Things pass slowly through the day. They linger. Like clouds. And at night, it's kinda like a motorway. Things are speeding past. And you catch glimpses of them and hope to hell there's no car crashes. It's always busy, day and night. The only thing that changes is the speed. And you have to decide whether it's easier to sit and think when it's slow and busy. Or fast and busy. Because there's definitely no in between.
I crossed a motorway once when I was a kid.  We were homeless, momentarily living in a motel and my dad worked on the other side of the motorway. Sitting down and thinking about things is like crossing that motorway. I had to do it, to get to the other side. But there wasn't a single moment I thought I'd make it across. Everything's so much bigger when you're a kid. And motorways are big anyway. I have to sit down and think about things to process them. But do I really want to  add more things to my mind or visit my current state of mind? Not really, no.
So it happens at night. Usually when I can't sleep. I have to occupy my mind when I can't sleep otherwise negativity goes round and round and round until it feels like the storm is coming back for good. After a few hours, things get processed and I'm either exhausted or pissed off. Sometimes pissed off that I'm exhausted. When something happens... it happens, I feel whatever I feel momentarily, then I try and forget about it. And move on. Except I don't move on. Or forget it. I just talk myself into thinking that's happened. I don't think about it. I don't process it. I don't confront it. It manifests in my mind. It gets put in a much-taller-than-me pile of 'feelings you need to process'  that I try and shove under the rug until one day I trip over it. The short version is... I internally exploded on monday because nothing was processed.  The internet then died and I cried for about 4 hours straight and went to sleep at 1:30am.  After all that, no one batted an eye lid and it's as though nothing even happened. Which frustrated me even further. I'm bitter.
My mother is leaving on Mother's Day and coming back fuck knows when. The only thing she is bothered by is that it's Mother's Day,  not that she is leaving me here, by myself, when she fully knows I hate the very idea of it. But I expected this. And I accept it more than her going away in May. She's going to my uncle's funeral and I know that's something she has to do. And I didn't expect to be invited to a funeral for someone I never knew. So I won't be fighting this battle. I can't fight the 'she's going away in may to visit my sister and leaving me here. Again' battle either. It's not even a battle. To fight you need at least two people. And she is so completely oblivious. This family is screwed. I swear. It's like it's an invite only club and I never get the invite - Which is stupid because believe it or not I'm actually a part of this family. Or getting locked out of your own house and knocking on the door but no one lets you in (this has happened). How does this family even work? I'm unsure we even do work. We're corrupt. We're several different pieces from different puzzles and when you try to put us together it just doesn't work. So, she's leaving. Twice. And right now all I can do is hope every day she's gone isn't like last Monday. If it is, I'm screwed. The balance shifts when she's not here. I purposely try to balance for her sake. I don't know why.
xo F.H