20/5/14

"My suicide note will be a piece of paper with my tumblr url in a envelope with the blades they never knew about"
I wrote that ten months ago on a tumblr blog that no one knows about, but is entirely viewable publicly. It's a blog I started in 2012 with no other intention other than I needed somewhere to release all the  darkness from my mind. And I wrote that because it's true. If people went on my tumblr they would probably understand  a hell of a lot more of what's going on with me than they do right now.
Because there's no light in depression. Only dark. And it gets darker and darker. Until one day, you think 'fuck this'. And you discover pencil sharpeners have blades. Then all of a sudden you have no working pencil sharpeners. All your pencils become dull and blunt. But the blades are sharp. You might not have any sharp pencils anymore... But you sure as hell have a bunch of scars and cuts.  All hidden under sleeves or carefully concealed with make up.
The blog is what the inside of my mind looks like on bad days. And having looked through 7 pages of old posts, I can tell you that on my bad days  I still feel that way. I still stand by everything I've posted. Because I still relate to feeling that way. It's still relevant. And I still post things on there sometimes. In a twisted way, it helps me.
I can read posts on there and remember exactly how I felt when I was writing it.  Whereas without that post, I couldn't tell you how I felt because I block everything out.
The days I use that blog are the days where I sit alone in my room. Wondering how I got through so many months. And why I'm still here. Where I listen to sad songs really loudly and try to block out my thoughts. Some days, that's all I do, I just sit there and wonder. Because for the life of me I don't know how I got from the little girl that didn't speak to the teenager with cuts on her arms.
xo