24/6/14

Do you ever feel like you've chosen the wrong path? And even though you were lucky enough to choose a different path, you  still chose the wrong one? And then you repeated it a dozen times... There were 3 paths I came across in my life:
The easy path The path they wanted me to take The path I really wanted to take I took 'the easy path' a fair few times. And it probably merged with  'the path they wanted me to take' most of the time too. I've studied probably between 3 and 5 different courses/subjects over  the past couple of years. Most of which I had less than half interest in and  eventually ended up quitting.
I did them because 1. It would shut people up and 2. It was easier than getting a job. But it's basically a downward spiral when you do things to keep the peace and make other people happy. I never chose path #3 because that would mean taking a risk and doing something I wanted to do that almost everyone would probably advise me not to do. But having chosen every path possible and either failed, quit or got bored of them all I no longer even know how to get back to the place where I can chose the path I really want to take. And I'll always be at war with myself concerning if it's the right choice to make.
There's two main things holding me back: 1. What people will think. (I'm highly unprepared for the opinions of other people). 2. I'm probably going to be broke or have to get a job additionally. Right now, it feels a lot like the path I'm walking down is not the right one. And like it has a dead end. It's not that I don't want a career as a make up artist. It's that it no longer has the high level of importance it had at the start. It's that, it feels like I've wasted all my life running in circles at everyone else's request. And I'm really tired of being dizzy.
When I was 14, I found music. And by finding music, I found something I  could believe in that never let me down or leave me. And something that would make everything better, even just for a brief moment. Then I found out explaining feelings and situations in a song was ten times easier than  saying it or writing it down in a general way. So I started writing songs.
Then I quit when I was 16 after the combined decision that 1. I couldn't sing very well. And 2. The odds of me being able to stand on a stage were very slim. As I got older, music became more important to me than most other things. There was never any career or job that I was ever interested in getting,  I only ever wanted to sing and write songs. Nothing else interested me after that.
So, path #1 was study, path #2 was get a good job or career and path #3 was music. And as I mentioned, paths #1 and #2 pretty much merged throughout my life. And I never really stepped foot onto path #3.
Currently, although there's only 3 logical paths. It feels like I'm lost in a puzzle of 1000 different paths.
xo